Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
