All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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