Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
