Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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