Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
