I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
