Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
