Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
