I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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