I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
