Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We left the knife in your bed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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