Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
