dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
