I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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