The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
