I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
