There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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