Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize