A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
