Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
