I wish I could teleport
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
