Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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