i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
