My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
