she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
