I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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