I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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