I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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