After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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