I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
