I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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