She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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