do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
