Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
