I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
