I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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