I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
