Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and she was petting her beer can
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize