tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
