I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
