I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
