____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You ruined the universe
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