I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
