Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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