I wish I could teleport
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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