Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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