Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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