I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
