drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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