i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
