So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
