Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
