and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
