Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
