you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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