We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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