Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
