Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
