The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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