Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
