WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
