a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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