Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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