im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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