Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
