I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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