have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
