we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
