My liver just broke up with me...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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